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Saturday, September 27, 2003

Crafty 

Sometimes I wish I was good at something artistic. Be able to produce something with my hand, instead of using my mind. There are times I wish I could express my emotions in drawings. I never was good with my hands. Drawing, crafts, it was all hell in school, like PE was. The only time drawing and some "sculpturing" was good, was oddly enough when I was in therapy. In an atmosphere where it didn't matter if it looked "good", as long as it represented what I wanted it to represent. In a way, it was not even that. It wasn't something I wanted represented, that I turned into this. The items weren't a reflection. It was knowing what they stood for, why I made them, that made them "good" and valuable. For some of them, I still remember what they were about. Others, well, I don't really know, or am not quite sure. But I recognize them, and they are familiar, comfortable. Like an emotion given shape. Perhaps this is what artists do, only they have the ability to turn it into something other people like to look at. I just made it for me. And you know what? That should be enough. I made it for me, and it means something to me.

Weird, I didn't think about anything like this for years, and suddenly I have to think about it. Maybe it's just my emotional state. I've been struggling with conflicting emotions, brought on by a movie I watched. In "Rules of engagement" the age-old question (to me) of "where should a soldier draw the line, what is acceptable behavior in war (or other conflict)?" is an important topic. At least for me, watching it. I don't know where to draw the line. My reason tells me where to draw the line. My emotion tells me something different. Disagreement between reason and emotion should be familiar. It is familiar. Ongoing for as long as I let emotions be so important in my life (which, coincidentally or not, was probably increased through therapy).

I'm weird, I know. I know one person will read this, and I know she loves me, and that makes my life better. I am grateful for that, but the rest of life still hurts most of the time.

# posted by Arsenic @ 12:35 AM
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