Nocturnal Musings

Saturday, September 27, 2003

Crafty

Sometimes I wish I was good at something artistic. Be able to produce something with my hand, instead of using my mind. There are times I wish I could express my emotions in drawings. I never was good with my hands. Drawing, crafts, it was all hell in school, like PE was. The only time drawing and some "sculpturing" was good, was oddly enough when I was in therapy. In an atmosphere where it didn't matter if it looked "good", as long as it represented what I wanted it to represent. In a way, it was not even that. It wasn't something I wanted represented, that I turned into this. The items weren't a reflection. It was knowing what they stood for, why I made them, that made them "good" and valuable. For some of them, I still remember what they were about. Others, well, I don't really know, or am not quite sure. But I recognize them, and they are familiar, comfortable. Like an emotion given shape. Perhaps this is what artists do, only they have the ability to turn it into something other people like to look at. I just made it for me. And you know what? That should be enough. I made it for me, and it means something to me.

Weird, I didn't think about anything like this for years, and suddenly I have to think about it. Maybe it's just my emotional state. I've been struggling with conflicting emotions, brought on by a movie I watched. In "Rules of engagement" the age-old question (to me) of "where should a soldier draw the line, what is acceptable behavior in war (or other conflict)?" is an important topic. At least for me, watching it. I don't know where to draw the line. My reason tells me where to draw the line. My emotion tells me something different. Disagreement between reason and emotion should be familiar. It is familiar. Ongoing for as long as I let emotions be so important in my life (which, coincidentally or not, was probably increased through therapy).

I'm weird, I know. I know one person will read this, and I know she loves me, and that makes my life better. I am grateful for that, but the rest of life still hurts most of the time.

# posted by Arsenic @ 12:35 AM

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Monday, September 22, 2003

Incommunicado

Pink Floyd, "Keep talking": has this bit:
I think I should speak now
I can't seem to speak now
My words won't come out right
I feel like I'm drowning
I'm feeling weak now
But I can't show my weakness
I sometimes wonder

Sometimes this is really familiar. Hell, most of the times it is. It is very frustrating to feel a need to talk, but to be unable to. Not because there are no words, but because there is no understanding of the thoughts to begin with. No clear thinking, as if my mind is all gone to mush. I have no reason other than "life and living", but do I need a reason? Or am I allowed to just feel the way I feel? It doesn't really matter. It happens. And when it does, eh. When it does it does. All I can do is sit it out and hope it will pass quickly.

Ages ago, people had it much better. The average life expectancy was only about 30 then, I'd long be dead :)

# posted by Arsenic @ 10:00 PM

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Thursday, September 18, 2003

Shopping of the sexes

It's not really a big issue to me, but it seems there now is a good "scientific" reason to get out of shopping with your partner. Tell her/him you'll only end up fighting anyway. And offer the proof: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/3115452.stm: "The report suggests men and women should spend a maximum shopping time of one hour and 12 minutes together; otherwise an argument will usually break out. "

# posted by Arsenic @ 12:18 PM

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Sunday, September 14, 2003

Scary stuff that will happen

Sometimes (hah!) I worry about scary things that may happen. Very often, the worrying is worse than the actual thing itself, because it doesn't happen. One of the things that scares me, but that is extremely likely to happen, is the death of my parents. I am worried about dealing with it, about how it will affect me. I know it is a fact of life, and unless one dies young, everybody will have to deal with it. Doesn't make it any easier though. Making sure I'm dead before they die isn't a good solution either, because that means hurting them, which is the last thing I want to do.

Just one of the fun thoughts that occassionally races through my mind ... So much fun being me.

# posted by Arsenic @ 11:27 PM

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Saturday, September 13, 2003

One of those Saturdays

I've put on "The best of Suzanne Vega, tried and true". Been a while since I listened to her. But it seems like a good way to end this day. There some very good (and the rest is good or very decent) songs on it.

So I spent most of today doing things I didn't want to do, but which had to be done anyway. Too much time went into yard work. "Gardening" (anything remotely resembling it) isn't my hobby, but for some reason I got myself a place with a yard, some plants, some small trees, and after a while ... lots of weeds. So a couple of times a year I have to drag my ass outside to do something about the mess that it turned into. Today was one of those days.

As if that wasn't enough, the evening was spent sorting out tons of crap. Straight from the moving boxes it came in (over two years ago). Guess it was about time I did something with those boxes. To think there are still a couple of boxes like that, sigh.

Life, ain't it just a truckload of fun?

# posted by Arsenic @ 11:52 PM

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Friday, September 12, 2003

Quizzes for autistics, have fun by yourself

Contrary to Wednesday's quiz, this one seemed a little more trustworthy. A story about autism in Newsweek caught my attention, and it talked about a quiz being online. So I tried that one. Too bad it doesn't have a funky link to the result. It's flash too. At http://www.msnbc.com/news/958646.asp, approx. halfway down the page, on the left. I scored 34 and it said (I kid you not): "32-50: very high (most people with Asperger Syndrome or high functioning autism score about 35)". No, that didn't say "asparagus syndrome". I may look like a dickhead, but I'm not slim enough to qualify as an asparagus.

# posted by Arsenic @ 10:31 PM

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Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Blogs and quizzes

Ok, so last night I ended up surfing some random blogs because I wasn't up to anything else. Seems most of the blogs were by women (I just picked some from Blogger's most recently updated list), most were about people having a shitty time living, and most contained some sort of quizilla link. So I checked that site, hoping to find something good. Most (that's the most used word in this entry) quizzes are even worse than the blogs I read. Even the one I actually finished. I think "When doves cry" would've been more fitting for me (at least I like it better, although this result is a good listen too). And to all those who wonder, yes I know my blog is as crappy as the next person's, if not more.

"Sweet Dreams" (by Eurythmics)
Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused

Which 80's Song Fits You?
brought to you by Quizilla

# posted by Arsenic @ 8:31 PM

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Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Springsteen ...

... sings "Born in the USA". I wasn't, but I do like the song. Just a coincidence, I've had the cd on random play for a while tonight. Springsteen sings. And I'm wondering why I don't just go to bed. That would be the sensible thing to do. So I won't. Not yet at least. Think I'll just sit here a little longer and click my bookmarks, not finding anything of interest. Coma anyone?

# posted by Arsenic @ 11:25 PM

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Sunday, September 07, 2003

Irony

Kind of ironic to have a blog for my deepest thoughts, when I'm not up to talking when I may need it most. Sigh.

# posted by Arsenic @ 11:14 PM

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Saturday, September 06, 2003

Sappy movie endings

I don't like movies that end overly sappy, when 90% of the movie was about how unlikely it is that there will ever be a happy ending. You know the ones, where they pull all registers to somehow arrive at a happy ending. Well, it's not a movie, but I watched the final episode of Spooks (series 1) and they sure know how to have a finale. Well, that was until I found out there's actually a series two as well. I'm still impressed and dazzled. Maybe it was just my mood.

# posted by Arsenic @ 11:10 PM

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Friday, September 05, 2003

Childfree

It's pretty spooky how sometimes an event will happen in my life, and then suddenly it seems like there are tons of things that relate to that event, all happening in the following days. Are these actually happening more, or am I just noticing them more because of the event? Probably something most people notice. In this case, I've had a couple of blog entries about children, and what do I read today? A magazine article mentioning Childfree, an organisation to spread the message (among other things) "that not having children is not strange".

# posted by Arsenic @ 10:47 PM

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Thursday, September 04, 2003

Don't try this at home

I've been reading about suicide methods for quite some time. There's a(n in)famous file out there on the web with lots of methods, some silly, some more serious. However, I don't recall "drilling your head" as one of the methods. Probably because it's not as fool-proof as one might think. At least it wasn't for Ron Hunt, who managed to drill his own skull (cool pic here and maybe here thanks to my gf for telling me the second one had trouble loading, and for informing me of a bad typo), albeit by accident.

# posted by Arsenic @ 11:11 PM

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Monday, September 01, 2003

Seeing sounds

I've read a bit about Synesthesia. As http://web.mit.edu/synesthesia/www/synesthesia.html puts it "Synesthesia is an involuntary joining in which the real information of one sense is accompanied by a perception in another sense." For instance, a person who "suffers" from this, can see certain colors triggered by certain sounds, or s/he associates colors with certain letters or numbers. It is hard for me to imagine what that must be like, as a non-synesthetic. At least, that's what I think I am. Now I'm wondering if there may be anything like that. It's back to the school days, wondering what the world would be like, if my color green is not your color green ... how maybe your coke is not my black, but my purple, and would I want to drink it if it was actually purple? Confused? So am I. A more scientific account can be found at http://psyche.cs.monash.edu.au/v2/psyche-2-10-cytowic.html.

# posted by Arsenic @ 11:59 PM

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